life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
