i think my tv is drunk
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize