Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
