the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
