You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
