Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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