too bad you live with your parents still
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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