you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she peed on how many people?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
