Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
