Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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