Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
