everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
