Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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