96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
