u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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