I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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