The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
