We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
