Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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