I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
