were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
