So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
