I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
