i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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