I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I got inside last night via doggy door
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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