Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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