I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
