did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
sex in a hospital.. check
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
