You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
