why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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