I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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