sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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