So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
