I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
