This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I can't turn off my feet"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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