I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize