i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
