Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
