If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
