Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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