He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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