Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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