remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
