It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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