I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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