You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
This baby is an asshole
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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