My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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