Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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