It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
This house was built for laser tag.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize