Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
