last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
