its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Randomize
