how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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