did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
