The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
