Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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