I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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