i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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