When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
