Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
