You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
