Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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