Can i not drive my cunt home
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
