I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
