"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
