you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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