My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
